- What is a Sweetband?
- Asking "What is a Sweetband?" is like asking "What is gravity?" or "Where does love come from?" or "Why do I always get an erection while watching Goonies?" The only difference is that there is a clear scientific answer to your question and it borrows heavily from the theories of elasticity, water retention, and sweetness.
- Mommy, where do Sweetbands come from?
- That's easy, a vagina. But in a geographic, finger-on-the-map sense, Sweetbands come from a mythical place filled with insects and meth labs. A place where Waffle Houses grow like weeds and the locals fear science and progress. A place where America's lowest class go for classy vacations. A place called "Florida."
- How do I get a Sweetband... on my head... Now?!
- Well, that's easy! You start with our 37-step purchase process by clicking the "Purchase - Hard Way" button. Please be prepared to show proof of citizenship, verification that you are over the age of 18.4, your Facebook login & password, the name of your first pet, your mother's maiden name, last year's tax return, a recent 8x10 head-shot (glossy, we hate matte), your social security number, and your gun license. The process should only take 2-3 hours. You can also click "Buy Band" on any band page and purchase a Sweetband immediately.
- How do I keep my Sweetband happy?
- Sweetbands are easy to keep happy. We keep ours happy by starting each morning with a big bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats. We typically add skim milk and a slice of banana for potassium and flavor. After breakfast, we throw a double latte in our CamelBak and jog down to the dog park. Exercise, sunshine, and scoping out young, childless wives are important to any growing band. Also important is communication. Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship whether human or band. Make sense?
- If I wash my Sweetband will it melt?
- That's a great question. Our business model is screwed if these bands melt. As of publication, we're pretty sure your Sweetband will melt if washed with fire or anything over 483 degrees Fahrenheit. If you'd like to wash your Sweetband and not ruin the product (like an idiot), the washing machine on cold works just fine. Ask your parents or a neighbor for more info on how a washing machine works. But don't ask the neighbor in the green house. His holiday party was weird and we doubt he's ever used a washing machine.
- What is a Sweetband made of?
- Sweetbands are the finest sweatbands on the market. We use only the highest quality of Care Bear fur spun lovingly by tiny, child hands in our balmy, underground factory. The Care Bears and child workers are locally-sourced, free range and spend all of their time running and playing together until an order comes in. At that point, we'll isolate the Care Bear posing the greatest threat and allow the children to bludgeon and gut the bear for its silky coat.
- Can I wear my Sweetband every day?
- Sweetbands are all about versatility. In the past, sweatbands were the accessory of choice for the tennis and roller dancing elite. Today, Sweetbands are found on active professionals in the workplace, with gun-toting patriots who hate sweat on their scopes, and soon in every crib in America with our new line of BabyBands. Can you wear a Sweetband every day? You'd be a complete idiot not to.
- There aren't instructions. How do I put on my Sweetband?
- There is a simple two-step process for applying a Sweetband:
- 1. Don't be a total retard.
- 2. Put the goddamn thing on your retard head.
- What happens if my Sweetband makes me too attractive or too popular?
- Wearing Sweetbands has been proven to make some people too attractive and therefore too popular. If this happens to you, quickly move to Hollywood, California. There you can be the most attractive person on the planet and still hover around Tila Tequila status on the popularity meter. Once you achieve this status, you're free to start a designer drug addiction and slowly spiral down to your previous non-Sweetband persona. Everything equals out. The ying and the yang. Just don't freak out and give it time.
- Where's the line between "good" touching & "bad" touching a Sweetband?
- If we knew, we would still be able to coach in the Special Olympics.
- What happens if I fall asleep with a Sweetband on?
- Tests have shown that falling asleep while wearing a Sweetband can cause vivid dreams and raises the possibility of sleepwalking. During these dreams, many people experienced homicidal events that they later acted out in short-form community theatre. Many others became "mediums." Now able to communicate with the dead, these spiritualist Sweetbanders grew more and more distanced from the living until they eventually chose to take their own lives.
- Is ordering a Sweetband safe and secure? Are you in Nigeria?
- What does "safe and secure" really mean these days? It's all relative. Ordering through Sweetbandsapparel.com is very safe compared to say...yachting in Somalia...or becoming a cop in Mexico...or sleeping with Lindsay Lohan. Also, we are no longer located in Nigeria. Ivory Coast has a much better tax shelter.
- How long do I have to wait for my Sweetband?
- What do we look like? The Postmaster General? It's in the mail. Chill the F out. But, if its been longer than three weeks, shoot us an email.
- Do you charge for shipping?
- We do. But we do it with a smile. :) And handling is free. Handling is ALWAYS free.
- Do Sweetbands ship across the ocean? Like to Uruguay or Nepal?
- Sweetbands love traveling abroad! Or anywhere, for that matter. In fact, Sweetbands has always dreamed of leaving it all behind and backpacking through Europe for the summer or opening a small beach bar in Brazil. Sweetbands would also spend more time in Mexico if the food there didn't give it horrific diarrhea. One time, Sweetbands got so sick in Ensenada that it double-dragoned in the lobby bathroom of a downtown hotel and had to skip town to escape the livid hotel manager. Sweetbands later heard that the manager found some other sweatband and kicked the crap out of it thinking it was Sweetbands. People often think the '70s and '80s were the golden era of sweatbands, but the '90s were crazy. Trust us...or ask Lenny Kravitz if you don't.
- I think there's something wrong with my Sweetband...
- Why would you say that? Maybe there's something wrong with you? Did you ever stop and take a long look at the face in the mirror? Listen...we're sorry. That was out of line. It's just that when you say things like "I think there is something wrong with my Sweetband," you sound like a little bitch. Is that what you are? A little bitch? But, seriously, email us and explain your problem in at least five thousand words and we'll review your case at our quarterly Standards Board meeting.
- I've checked my mail every day and my Sweetband still isn't here!
- If you hadn't checked your mail every day, you wouldn't know if your Sweetband was "here" or "not here" and neither of us would be in this situation. I think the best thing is for you to apologize and let everyone move on.
- I think I may have underpaid for my Sweetband.
- I know what you're thinking - "I only paid $10 for this quality product and service? Did I just steal from Sweetbands?" Quit beating yourself up and take your hipster butt down to the dive bar. We didn't get into this business to make money. If we did, we would sell something much more valuable and relevant - like cars or energy or socially-friendly shoes. We got into this business to look cool. We don't need your cash, we need you and your friends to talk about how cool and funny Sweetbands are. Remember, money can't buy you happiness but popularity can get you laid.
- My Sweetband's invoice never showed up in my email.
- Here at Sweetbands we are all about quality sweatbands and, because of this, our business practices and corporate structure truly suffer. Sure, we promise to email you a receipt after every purchase but the truth is, we don't even own a computer. Sweetbands is just two guys in the basement of an old fireworks factory with a loom and a 30-pack of Tecate micheladas.
- I lost my Sweetband! Wahhhh...
- Oh no! Believe us, we understand and want to help. If your Sweetband has been lost or stolen, contact us right away. Please submit your name, address, the band that was lost/stolen, and a five thousand word essay describing your most awkward sexual experience to date. If we believe your story to be true and deem it interesting enough, we will immediately post it to the front page of our site and send you a replacement band.
- My teacher took my Sweetband for wearing it in class.
- Despite what many people believe, only 1 in 20 teachers are smart enough to be considered "smart" by normal societal standards. They just appear to be smart because they surround themselves with children, who are dumb by nature. If a teacher has confiscated your Sweetband for any reason, please notify us immediately. Email us exactly what happened (seriously, don't lie), the name of the teacher, and the school where the travesty occurred. We will have our attorneys contact the teacher and have some fun with the whole situation. Or we'll hack into the teacher's Match.com account and make enough profile changes to get them on Nancy Grace.
- Can I change my order after I've already paid?
- I guess? That sounds like a big pain in the ass, but if you catch us before the band is sent we can throw a different band in the box. But we're keeping your stickers for the trouble.